The Seasons of my Mind

my usual absolute nothing

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 04:12:17 GMT

Have you ever closed your eyes really hard and watched the swirly lights...on the white wall! and then were swirly little creatures..!!!
Mine are always dinosaurs.

My favorite thing is to sit here....for about an hour and write things that are so weird...its like...finding yourself...because its always easier to hold a good convo with yourself when its meant to be read but...wont =)

Wow...you know...GirLs are so. boring .
guess im just waiting for that one with as little common sense as me.
or
or
or
or

o.r
Sometimes i want to walk down University avvve. NAKED!
just to see what it would feel like.
To be the only naked guy.
walking about totally naked!

i ALSO SOMETIMES WISH I WAS NORMAL...OR A REDNECK. cUS YOU KNOW. tHOSE guys like to shoot stuff and drink beer. hang with redneck kin!.....

nothing really

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:33:15 GMT

I totally forgot I had a livejournal.
oohhh well
hehe

just wanted to say hello to the old people i used to know!

I miss hanging out after school with you guys~! gainesville has become boring blah haha

Anywayz thats my hello hope everyone in my network is doing well~

Stefan

wow long time....

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 01:34:09 GMT

Well.....it has been.....for

ev

er
...
And true to stefan style.... ill just ....put dots and...broken sentences...
that...will...end...up...meaning......................nothing!

bleh thats boring. hahahha yeah. So... I decided. I hate my job. I also decided im buying a motorcycle to override the hatred I feel for...my job of course (and to deny that I am an adult by doing some rash, bonehead classic...like buying a motorcycle..I wanna be irresponsible sometimes;-)
So yeah...I'm gunna get a Triumph daytona 675... quit possibly the hottest bike evvvvahh!~ so now I can be a cool boi too! yay! though...in all }ReAlitY{ im going to start complaining about how i have this motorcycle and i hate it and why did i get it because i care so little about style and i just bought this super stylin piece of machinery...and im not gunna be hot...just...stefan...on an expensive piece of machinery..hahahhahaAHHAHWJKA!~...yeah..thats what i love about live journal..i can write all this...not care about punctuation or what i say...because noone will really care!...or read it cus i havnt posted in AGES!
uhm what else is new....Oo i got registered for school crackas...and for some reason...probably cus a pal of mine was talking about it...and it sounded all mellow...and stressful at the same time...like me....hahahha BUT ANYWAY~! i think im going to major in...ENGINEERING!!!!!!! DUH DUHHHH~!....i wont wait for the applause on that one! uhm....My appartment is lonely....uhm...im hungry....AND DID I FORGET TO MENTION I HATE MY FREAKIN WORKKKKKKKK!
i swear my back feels like banded iron(note...not steel)That has been left out in the rain~! its all stiff as rock but...slowly...turning...into.....RUST!...like....blah! and it is bringing back my arm hurt! which sucks! cus i wanna do kung fu and SCA fighting! BLAH ! deaTHt TO WALLMART!...

So i know this is a random post...but im Beee Ohhh arrrrr dee...
Geeze guys. Have you ever felt soo...confused...it really is weird...most people act confused. or missing a part to an answer. which isnt confused. just in lack of a certain knowledge..wow..it realy is a weird feeling. It reminds me of mold. you see it coming when your car gets rained in. then you smell that weird smell and your like OH! NO! what do I do... and then you see it! INSIDIOUS! and then...you feel...lost...like...how the fuck do you get molds out of your car. and someone says...well...you could put charcoal in it to fix the smell!~!!!!!

And your just like...
charcoal...hmmph
So your telling me...to drive my car...covered in non scented mold...
AND! to achieve that miraculous feat..im to put..
a single bag,
of charcoal...
in my vehicle...
amazing.
And thats what its like...to be confused.
Half happy you got half the answer you werent really looking for...

Stefan.
Stefon for you alachua gangztas.

My keeboard needs long and short vowels.

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 06:08:33 GMT

ibland sakerna blick upp. hogst omen tiden dess hard. Nar den regn den halla, utom nar den skiner, dess varde kyparen.

uppriktigt,
Stefan

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 02:40:34 GMT

Hey guys thanks for everyone that said happy bday~!

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 02:21:54 GMT

I had fun with all you crackas at the holloween party, I'm glad I ran into you guys at the mall.
Hope to see you all soon again!

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 05:00:03 GMT

I can let go so easy now, I never thought life was this simple.

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 22:23:41 GMT

Wasup krackas!

Damn, it's been so fucking long since i've posted................. and ,lol, I have absolutely nothing to say.

Because im fucking the same as ever and life is the same as ever and and and AFUCK!@

Yeah, breaking myself, working, breaking more of myself, stalked, friended, dreunkedd....

Lol. But damn you guys....been way to long. Get my license soon so ima come see you crazy fucks SOON! lol

Dont die before then ;-)
With love.
as always.
(insert broken sent. frag)
Stefan

Way to late to show up early.

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 06:51:06 GMT

Maybe you can by happiness by the bottle.

Maybe we'll never wake up sober.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 01:40:09 GMT

Hey guys...im on a computer at the gym waiting for my stupid friends to pick me up...bnlah...yeah i went to the beach for like a week with my bro and his freinds and their girl friends and their friends and now im as dark as simon was and hes black...but now im bored...cus i work for this blind lady and shes just SOOO BORING...we talked for 8 huors the other day...and she was all happy for the company, which in turn made me happy but now im so freaking BOREEDDD....but yeah..friends are here...I miss you guys. talk to ya later.
And if you know i dont have3 your phone number you should give it to me cus...well for one i lost my phone and for two i need to call all you guys sometime...

Ciao
Stefan

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 05:16:23 GMT

I've got my things, I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation's come and gone too late
There's so much sun where I'm from
I had to give it away, had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family's old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell, perfect...

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle
I take my pills, the babies cry
All I hear is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what's playing through
The in-flight radio, and I
And I am, finally waking up

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, yeah

So read your books, but stay out late
Some nights, some nights, and don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here since the bad news
Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far

And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 02:32:09 GMT

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? Yes (dont ask)
Danced in front of your mirror? yes
Told a lie? Yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes
Been in a fist fight? yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Possibly
Left your house without telling your parents? Yes
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes
Slept in until 3? Yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
Played dress up? Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Felt an earthquake? No
Touched a snake? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Had detention? Yes
Been in a car accident? No
Pole danced? Yes
Been lost? Yes
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Oh yeah
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? no
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No
Ever gone to school partially naked? Oh yeah!
Sat on a roof top? yes
Played chicken? yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Ugh yes...
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? yes
Broken a bone? several
Mooned/flashed someone? yes
Forgotten someone's name? lol all the time
Slept naked? yes
Blacked out from drinking? yes
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Made a parent cry? yes
Cried over someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No..ew
Had/Have a dog? no
Been in a band? yes
Drank 25 sodas in a day? no
Shot a gun? Yes

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 18:53:05 GMT

i hate everything

So tired.

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 05:23:56 GMT

A shambles im shambling in,
no greeting.
a television blairs.
Noones watching.
walking ahead of myself,
my heart stops.
So I rip it out

I keep wakling.

The air, it weighs me down,
I shrug it off,
I silently shriek for want of freedom

not silent for lack of breath
not silent for lack of passion

Nobodies listening.

So much preassure,
No responce.
Too much energy to breath.
No need for lungs.

I rend them.

The living rooms quiet.
Again sweat.
Again wood.
Memories
memories
Memories
mem....or...eis
leather and wood.

My room comes into focus,
Still walking behind myself i hit the door.
no sensation.
no reguard.

The door opens.
It just does.

I walk inside.
Run into the latent wooden table.
Terrible pain this time.
but no reguard,
No need for pleasure, pain,
I numb sensation.
I walk.

Shoes languish on coat pegs
As my hat sits on the floor.
Pants dangle from an absent bedpost.
shirts just coming off.
Stare at a wall.
Stare at a wall.
Stare at a wall.
through my whole shirt halfly off.
I stare at a wall.
I realize this.

Its not strange.
Niether is my wall.
Or is that a mirror?
No.
A picture of me.
Blindfolded.

Pillows lure me,
Where barbwire cradles my head.
Thinking.
Thinking.
Thinking.
What time did I get home?
Is it really five oclock?

Getting up to find a noise,
My heart is thumping where it lie.
I wonder how such a depraved,
exhausted machine still churns.
Society is in need of such things.

So From hand to darkness it vanishes.

I return.

Still thinking.

No more time for wanting time for sleep.
I rise from bed.
Only to be greated by the most sincere pain.
The wooden table
It's still there,
No longer hidden.
Covered in five white shirts.

I hear some feable sound.

Society needs such things.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 05:08:59 GMT

How many special people change...how many lives are living strange

Here’s a thought for every man who tries to understand
What is in his hands
He walks along the open road of love and life
To find it if he can

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

Here’s a thought for every man who tries to understand
What is in his hands
He walks along the open road of love and life
To find it if he can

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 03:14:52 GMT

this was a mean entry...but i changed my mind :-)

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:20:55 GMT

So...I had this really weird dream...I suppose all that talk about dreams at jarads and all the alcohol klara pumped into me at her stepdads birthday inspired This weird thing. And please...everything that happens here is so just in this weird dream...i wouldnt actually kill or want to kill my friends. But oh well, here goes.

Ok the dream starts and im running through the school in my running attire, its really cloudy out and the view i saw of it was black and white, in a kind of slowish motion. So, all the sudden wes is leaning against this post, flipping a quarter and he makes some smart comment about my clothes. So i kind of laughed and we started talking, but he just wouldnt leave it alone...so on and on throughout this convo he keeps laughing at my shorts...then he started calling me gay...so i punched him in through the stomach and ripped his spinal chord out through the hole, the weird thing though was his skull came with it and was smiling at me....which i dont think skulls really smile...but oh well. So then derik is standing there by wes's body and he looks at me and charges, saying something about protecting the family and so i rip one of wes's arms off and beat his face in with the head n spine flail and arm....so then they're both dead. Now im walking around the school..still black and white..still cloudy, and i see klara standing there. She comes up to me and starts laughing, pointing at all the blood dripping off my hands and face. I remember this making me really mad for some reason, but i let it go. So i walk away and she follows me and then turns down by the gym and weight room, where the football team::really just random people iv known:: is standing there without clothes....(yeah so weird) and then klara runs up to them and they're all happy to see her...kinda like shes happy to see them.(.........) so i walk into the weight room and grab one of the 45 pound bars and kill all the football guys, then i walk over to klara who's looking kinda scared now, puckering her lip...so i put her h ead over the handrail of some stairs where i beat her neck with the bar until her head falls off...so then i cut her into little parts and sprinkle them all overthe mound of dead football players...i remember thinking this was ironic.

Change of scene

So then im walking through a dry river bed in iceland and i see emily. For some reason shes yelling at me really mad like. And then she sees wes's head hanging from my hand and falls on the ground, laughing crazily. That reminded me of klara so i got kinda mad....and then she finally got up and threw water all over me cus she said red wasnt a good color on me and started laughing again. So i finally was just so mad that i chained her down to the bottom of this dry river with one hand free and gave her a knife...she got really mad, threw the knife at me and said she was going to kill me. So i gave her back the knife and it just kinda phased out.

Next scene Ok Im still in iceland but im wearing these khaki casual pants and some black shirt and a black jacket looking at the ocean...and its really happy. I hear this noise and elizabeth comes up and sits beside me and were talking about something when all the sudden she starts saying everyone hates me and she cant be friends with someone that everyone hates. So i got kinda sad but its still really pretty and i think maybe i could just move to iceland. So she starts telling me shes the queen of iceland and i cant live there either. So now im just really mad. She starts saying noone wants me anywhere because literally, everyone hates me. So now im just really discontent and i get up and start walking toward the cliff overlooking the ocean with the intention to keep walking, But she gets in my way and says i cant do that either.............man that pissed me off...and then she gets all sad looking everything kinda stops and reverses and im her and shes me...and i (elizabeth) push her (me) over the cliff...but t hen it goes back to normal and im on the cliff and darbie and catherine are really mad at me for "killing elizabeth" and expound on how they hate me....so now im just so mad i pick catherine up and beat darbie to death with her...and throw catherine over the edge. After that i felt kinda bad so i rolled darbie over the edge to be with her friends...and for some reason i felt better....So i sat back down to enjoy the view. (sorry guys i know thats mean)

Last scene....I get out of bed and i go to school...and all my friends are dead but jared and casandra. And they just look at me and walk away....so i fall on the ground and start laughing so moronicaly...(it was weird) so i stand up finally with these two pistols that have big knifes on the ends.

IT ends with me just walking around casually shooting people in the face...but noone cares.

Sorry guys...

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 01:31:03 GMT

Jared....i was going to say happy birthday...but like 7 people before me just said it...so if i did id look really stupid...so....Rejoice in the day you didnt die and other than not dieing on this particular day....for 16 years....you were also born!....and coincidentally had a rattail....lol

YAHHOOOO...
im also drawing up the plans to steal your awesomely awesome moterized vehicle.....bwahahahhah

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 01:48:36 GMT

"Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself."

You guys will never guess...
I met jarvis today and we talked for a while about guitars n music n stuff...and all the sudden he told me where he lived...and it turns out that we played golf together once when we were kids and got in truoble cus his parents were afraid we were going to hit my families wedding shower..
and it also turns out that my dads supposed to be working there right now and that he built there fireplace.....
kinda weird...
lol

owwowooww........wow........wow.wow...wo...w..i love u ....and me..and she...and iceland..and stufff

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 03:20:29 GMT

Man i just wrote this long post, that will never be posted!...i feel so crazy...im glad i have cool friends or i dhtink id drink myuself goofy. I worked tonight..yeah...im so lost. my rooms dark and my ceillings spinning...and to the rythem of this music its not so sikkkkeningggggggggg....god...its so much more fun when you dont know the words...kinda like living life and not knowing tomorrow. It kinda sucks when u can tell yourself what your goign to do tomorrow and you know how you and everyone else is going to react and you just kinda know....things are boring...not spontaneous...the opposite of life...mechanical..::insert synonym:: man...im so bored with myh life and my brains are all fallenn out.....@WOOOW
im so freaking tired

I feel weird

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 04:02:40 GMT

my dad hugged me today...
thats never happend before.
Things seem kinda weird, i know things i didnt know before. I kinda dont know what to do, in more way than one. Sometimes i just want to run down to my cousins and live in his beer cooler, but i think iv decided i hate getting drunk. It makes me sad afterwards.

"Its a battle between my heart and my mind, noone really wins this time, noone really wins this sime."
"In this battle between grace and pride, I dont want to win this time, I dont want to win this time."

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 02:48:13 GMT

So im here writing this while my fucking family is in the next room laughing, having a good evening. Im sitting here listening to this depressing fucking music i dont even remember existed and they are fucking laughing. I have to leave, they just told me i have to leave by saturday before they get back from vacation. Where im going to go, fucking i dont know..and they are laughing. I cant stand this life anymore, noone fucking respects me, noone fucking sees through labels and fucking especially my own family cant have the love and tact i show every day. Called my dad. They called him. He doesnt want me, but he doesnt want people to see his son as a fucking jailrat, so he says he might take me if his "fiancee" says its ok, and then when im 18 i have to hit the road. what the fuck is that, really, whos parents would put their son out on the road at any age or condition. My whole life people fucked with me for being "smart" and shit and the shit thats supposed to make me successful cant even suade my own family to help me out.

Im tired of being the one on the bottom and having to know i am, i could have at least been stupid. Stupid so i dont have to realize that the choices my family makes are going to ruin everything iv ever worked for. Im tired of hearing people cheer me up like they know what its like to be homeless without a caring family, even a family that was rough with them, id rather my dad still beat me and him love me than get this fucking apathy. FUCKKKCLKD@!!!!

oh well

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 01:55:58 GMT

hey....i just got kicked out of my house for no reason at all.

stefan...

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 01:22:53 GMT

I GOT INTERNET YEAHHHHHYYY

Perfect day for a nice today.

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 21:48:00 GMT

Hey,

It really is nice outside, kinda like when you've had a bad day and all the sudden you realize the breeze, the sun, the season. It's all very refreshing at least. The sun is just bright enough to warm your skin, while the wind cools it off, a sort of temperary perfection of atmosphere not found between four walls. Perfect running wheather. But running would seem to break the serenity. so, i think not today. Oh well, reading sounds good right now, to bad it'll be dark soon.

Stefan